greatlightother

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[It sounds as if she's just finished crying. There's a clink as she drops a spoon onto a dish and she finally speaks up.]

I said...I hope it goes down. [There's a nervous giggle.] But I don't know where down is. [Pause as the ship rumbles a bit. She takes in a trembling breath.] Looks like I was right, though.

Who knew that I would have them back? Who knew it would work like this?

I looked out my door today and saw the Darkness. I didn't know that Light Sorceress could curse people like this. Because that's what it is, you realize. It's not a flood. It's not...anything the Admiral has done. Condemn him if you like. It's more futile than usual.

[She turns on the camera. Those mentioned in the post who could see the curse will be able to see the vortex around her, invading her room. ~~Barge magic, yeah~~]

I almost destroyed Moscow last time this happened. Last time, it was unintentional. Last time, they could talk me down from it and I could be saved from their...alternative method. [A bitter laugh.] Death.

They said once you pick a side that you can't change to the other one. Light to Darkness...all of that. I don't see why. It's so much easier to hate like this, isn't it? When you've been pushed so far, when so many people have kicked you in the face, it's easy to fall.

That's what power is, isn't it, O'Brien? [She reaches forward to turn off the transmission before she starts crying again. Then pauses.]

Someone might want to check on Petronilla. [BECAUSE SHE'S NOT. That's all!]

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No. Stop it. [She turned away from him.]

You're not sure about it, Neil. You're not sure about anything.

No, I am sure of it, Sveta, because I've half done it already. Half got what I need to, half planned it out. I... Sveta, I am a lot more certain than a lot of people.

And I'm certain you wouldn't let us all die or suffer. Not in the long run. Just as I'm certain that there are things here which make it worth it.

[She didn't want to hear that. She didn't want to hear any of it. She hated herself for this and wanted nothing more than to crawl in her bed and disappear. It was work to hate someone like this.]

I know, Neil. I know that. But I can't.

I won't change it. I hate it here too much. I hate myself for this too much.

Sveta. Listen to me, please. I... don't hate yourself, please. The things you've told me you've stood up against, the powers of so many other people, of fate itself - because you thought what it was asking you to do was wrong... that is one of the least hate worthy things I've heard. It's the most admirable, and despite this right now, the Barge is damn lucky to have you.

It needs to realise that, but a lot of us do. A lot of us really know how damn fortunate we are that you stood up to them, and we know you now.

You can stop this. You've stopped so many other things, so this time, you have to overcome yourself and stop it, but I know you can.

I can't. [She said it in a small voice and then threaded her fingers through her hair.]

I...can't. It's not that simple.

Please, then... please keep explaining to me why. I want to understand.

I've told you everything! What more do you want?!

Sveta, if that's everything... I do believe I can stop it, I believe I can persuade you everything here is worth it.

[He paused and scratched his head a little,] There are so many people here who really, really believe in you. Care about you. And... as terrible as it is, Sveta, doesn't that count for something against the weight of awfulness there is here?

[The pressure was overwhelming. Her hands went to her face again and she began to cry.] Everyone is begging me to and I can't. Just...leave me alone, Neil. Please..

[He reached up and put a hand on her shoulder,] Okay, Sveta. I'll stop begging you. I'll stop.

But listen to me. Everything horrible about this place can be changed. That is half the point of this place. Change is possible. It always is, half the point of this place is exactly what you have done - even under great pressure, you can resist and do the right thing. Even against adversity, you can do that. You have a lot of worth within this place and we know it. A lot more of us know it than you would ever think. The amount of people I've talked to which just want you to be safe is astounding, and it... it will only continue that way, Sveta.

You're not here to be treated like you're stupid, or manipulated, because so many people here genuinely do respect you. Genuinely do see how you have so much value and...

I can't leave you alone. I love you and I don't want to see you like this.

I am listening. And they've all said horrible things. [Because, at the moment, that's all she could focus on.] I've hurt them and they're all going to be killed. [Tear filled eyes looked up to Howie.]

And I can't stop it. It's...I have to stop hating it. And I can't.

No, no, Sveta. Some of them haven't. Some of them are just angry and... they're not all going to be killed. You can say stop. So many of them are trying to be understanding, and trying to help, Sveta, they're not just being horrible.

[He put an arm around her, he just couldn't help it,] I can help you. I can try, Sveta.

It took Anton and the rest of the team, Neil. You can't. Just...go. [She didn't pull away from him, though. It felt good that he might take care of things. She just didn't trust that he actually could.]

[He shook his head,] You don't tell me I can't, Sveta. I'll keep going and keep trying. Don't deny me that. I might not be Anton, I might not be some wizard, but... let me try.

You've been trying.

[She looked down.] Just stop.

And I'll keep trying, Sveta.

[He paused]

The alternative is unacceptable, I won't stop.

I just... [She moved away and climbed onto her bed, curling up there.]

I'm sorry I can't...

I'm not that person you thought, Neil. [A long pause.] I never was. You knew that, didn't you?

Sveta. [He paused awkwardly,]

I didn't have this illusion of you being some... amazingly pure and perfect person. I know better than anyone that behind those kind of people linger a lot of dark, repressed thoughts. That you shove your anger and your desire to do harm away, because you know you're better than that.

But sometimes, it slips. Sometimes, you can't keep it up. [He paused.] You never conned me into thinking you were someone you weren't. It's like the people who think I'm a naive little boy because I'm from the middle of nowhere, have principles and have never had sex. I'm not that person. There's a lot of things I think about, but never do. And sometimes, you can't quite keep that up.

I can see that. I'm not disillusioned. I wouldn't be here if I was.

I should be, though. Donny used to tell me it was wrong to pretend everything was alright. I didn't think it would ever lead to this. [She didn't sit up.] it doesn't matter now. It's not going to get better. If I take it off now, it will be worse.

[And fear was more powerful than any other emotion.]

Donny as right. [He paused and shook his head,] It won't be worse. I will do everything I damn well can to make sure it's not worse. I'll... I'll do my best to make sure it's not worse. Trust me.

You fight so many losing battles, Neil. [Shr let out a gasp of a sob.] You shouldn't have to.

I'm sorry I did this. But...I wanted it.

Then let me win one, Sveta.

[He paused.]

You... if you're sorry, you can find it in you to stop it.

[She looked up to him, hurt. Didn't he see that she was trying?! She just...didn't have the strength. The curse was so cold around her. It sucked the very strength from her body. She sat up, threw a pillow at him, and stomped towards the bathroom. She'd never send him away, but she could go somewhere else.]

I am sorry! I didn't want this mess! But now that it's here, I...it won't go away!

[The pillow hit him and he blinked a little, then kicked it to one side, starting after her,]

I know, Sveta, but it can go away. Because I know you hate this place, and I know it must be damn difficult to make it go away, but it can and you can find the will, I know it.

[She slipped into the bathroom, quickly slamming the door behind her.] Why does everyone say that? I can't. It will go away when I stop hating, or when I stop feeling anger towards this place!

Not because I can just will it away.

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