greatlightother

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[It sounds as if she's just finished crying. There's a clink as she drops a spoon onto a dish and she finally speaks up.]

I said...I hope it goes down. [There's a nervous giggle.] But I don't know where down is. [Pause as the ship rumbles a bit. She takes in a trembling breath.] Looks like I was right, though.

Who knew that I would have them back? Who knew it would work like this?

I looked out my door today and saw the Darkness. I didn't know that Light Sorceress could curse people like this. Because that's what it is, you realize. It's not a flood. It's not...anything the Admiral has done. Condemn him if you like. It's more futile than usual.

[She turns on the camera. Those mentioned in the post who could see the curse will be able to see the vortex around her, invading her room. ~~Barge magic, yeah~~]

I almost destroyed Moscow last time this happened. Last time, it was unintentional. Last time, they could talk me down from it and I could be saved from their...alternative method. [A bitter laugh.] Death.

They said once you pick a side that you can't change to the other one. Light to Darkness...all of that. I don't see why. It's so much easier to hate like this, isn't it? When you've been pushed so far, when so many people have kicked you in the face, it's easy to fall.

That's what power is, isn't it, O'Brien? [She reaches forward to turn off the transmission before she starts crying again. Then pauses.]

Someone might want to check on Petronilla. [BECAUSE SHE'S NOT. That's all!]

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No, Sveta, not home! [oops, temper. He leveled his tone again. I told you... I told you you wouldn't have to do that. I'm trying to find a way around it, trying to find another option, I promise you, and I'm sure it's going to work.

[He grimaced at that,] Of course there is, Sveta. Humans are like that, but the... point is finding the light in the darkness, and clinging to it like mad. Sometimes it slips away from you, but you can find it again, and hold on to it so much tighter. I am the light of the world, remember. Even in the darkest places, there is light.

[He was talking in more a religious sense than a her-world sense, but he figured they weren't far apart.]

[Her own temper flared up slightly.]

There is, but it's hard to find. And you don't know that, do you? You live in Light. You're constantly covered in it.

You can't do anything, Neil. You can't fix this. [She threw the box across the room, but it was locked tightly and did not open. Standing up, she began to pace.]

[He blinked at the box being thrown and tried to keep his calm, then walked over to where she was pacing, and tried to put a hand on her arm to stop her. He doubted that'd help.]

...And so do you, Sveta, but sometimes even I lose it too. You've seen me lose it, but the worst I can do is throw a punch or resort to drinking. We all lose it sometimes. If I can, you can, and if I can get it back, you can find the Light no matter how hard it is.

[She turned, trying to bat his hand way with her arm.]

I don't want to.

[He moved his hand, giving in easily. The point of this was not to wind her up more, but to deal with the issues.]

Why not?

Because I'm tired of being treated like I'm stupid. Being treated like I don't pay attention. Like I'm just innocent and naive and I don't understand anything. I'm tired of being manipulated.

[She walked to the far wall, her hands in her pockets.]

I'm not a child.

I know you're not, Sveta. I know it. I've never treated you like any of those. I've never stood for anyone manipulating you.

A lot of us haven't.

But... you're taking us all down together. You don't... Sveta, people don't understand just who you are, but it happens to a lot of us. People make assumptions, and they're not good ones, but we can show them they're wrong. We can show them that, and not by getting angry at everyone, but by... perseverence. Resiliance. You've got a lot of those, I know it, and real strength is in hope, not in destruction.

They don't understand because they don't care. [She rounded on him, wiping tears from her cheeks.]

They don't know a damn thing. They can make all the assumptions that they won't. This isn't killing them right now.

But lots and lots of us do care, Sveta. [He tried to keep his temper even.]

It's not killing them right now, but it might, Sveta. It might. [He wasn't sure if that was a good move or not.]

[She began to cry again and sat down on the floor, leaning back against the bed.]

Stop it, Neil. I know! I'm a murderer. I'm no better than they are. I should just...be an inmate, shouldn't I?

God, Neil, I don't know. I don't want to stop, but I know I should. I hate it. I hate this. I hate myself for doing this.

Again.

[He sat down next to her, not asking now,] No, no, Sveta, you're not a murderer. You can stop it before any of it dies, but...

It won't happen, Sveta. I can persuade you to stop it, I am sure of it, and nobody has to die, nobody has to suffer... please, it doesn't have to end like that, the Barge isn't that terrible - and those parts of it that are can change.

I don't intend to leave you trapped here, we'll get you a way out in the end, I'm sure of it.

No. Stop it. [She turned away from him.]

You're not sure about it, Neil. You're not sure about anything.

No, I am sure of it, Sveta, because I've half done it already. Half got what I need to, half planned it out. I... Sveta, I am a lot more certain than a lot of people.

And I'm certain you wouldn't let us all die or suffer. Not in the long run. Just as I'm certain that there are things here which make it worth it.

[She didn't want to hear that. She didn't want to hear any of it. She hated herself for this and wanted nothing more than to crawl in her bed and disappear. It was work to hate someone like this.]

I know, Neil. I know that. But I can't.

I won't change it. I hate it here too much. I hate myself for this too much.

Sveta. Listen to me, please. I... don't hate yourself, please. The things you've told me you've stood up against, the powers of so many other people, of fate itself - because you thought what it was asking you to do was wrong... that is one of the least hate worthy things I've heard. It's the most admirable, and despite this right now, the Barge is damn lucky to have you.

It needs to realise that, but a lot of us do. A lot of us really know how damn fortunate we are that you stood up to them, and we know you now.

You can stop this. You've stopped so many other things, so this time, you have to overcome yourself and stop it, but I know you can.

I can't. [She said it in a small voice and then threaded her fingers through her hair.]

I...can't. It's not that simple.

Please, then... please keep explaining to me why. I want to understand.

I've told you everything! What more do you want?!

Sveta, if that's everything... I do believe I can stop it, I believe I can persuade you everything here is worth it.

[He paused and scratched his head a little,] There are so many people here who really, really believe in you. Care about you. And... as terrible as it is, Sveta, doesn't that count for something against the weight of awfulness there is here?

[The pressure was overwhelming. Her hands went to her face again and she began to cry.] Everyone is begging me to and I can't. Just...leave me alone, Neil. Please..

[He reached up and put a hand on her shoulder,] Okay, Sveta. I'll stop begging you. I'll stop.

But listen to me. Everything horrible about this place can be changed. That is half the point of this place. Change is possible. It always is, half the point of this place is exactly what you have done - even under great pressure, you can resist and do the right thing. Even against adversity, you can do that. You have a lot of worth within this place and we know it. A lot more of us know it than you would ever think. The amount of people I've talked to which just want you to be safe is astounding, and it... it will only continue that way, Sveta.

You're not here to be treated like you're stupid, or manipulated, because so many people here genuinely do respect you. Genuinely do see how you have so much value and...

I can't leave you alone. I love you and I don't want to see you like this.

I am listening. And they've all said horrible things. [Because, at the moment, that's all she could focus on.] I've hurt them and they're all going to be killed. [Tear filled eyes looked up to Howie.]

And I can't stop it. It's...I have to stop hating it. And I can't.

No, no, Sveta. Some of them haven't. Some of them are just angry and... they're not all going to be killed. You can say stop. So many of them are trying to be understanding, and trying to help, Sveta, they're not just being horrible.

[He put an arm around her, he just couldn't help it,] I can help you. I can try, Sveta.

It took Anton and the rest of the team, Neil. You can't. Just...go. [She didn't pull away from him, though. It felt good that he might take care of things. She just didn't trust that he actually could.]

[He shook his head,] You don't tell me I can't, Sveta. I'll keep going and keep trying. Don't deny me that. I might not be Anton, I might not be some wizard, but... let me try.

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